I've said a lot of things, lately. Like how you should pause and take moments for yourself, and listen to your body. But sometimes you don't want to feel your body. Sometimes you know what's waiting for you, and it isn't pretty, and you don't want to deal with it. "I don't want to feel anxious and therefore I will not be anxious," I tell myself. But it doesn't work like that. At least not for me. Sometimes I refuse to acknowledge my anxiety and deny ever having it instead.
A lot of things are going change in my near future. I'll be moving out of the Halli house, no longer be living with my best friend, no longer be attending classes (although I'm finishing up a couple over summer). Never again will I live in Kirksville, MO. I'll be expected to be an adult who actually knows things and is capable of life, something I'm not sure I'm quite ready for yet. And that's a lot. What's more, the last time I was graduating and going through these types of huge, universe flipping changes, the ending wasn't so pretty and so my psyche keeps running to hide. I do what I know how to do; I work and work and work. I study and stay up all hours and make everyone else around me happy - all the while ignoring those shadows of fear creeping closer each day.
I've come to realize that my real problem here is my fear of the pain my anxiety will inflict. I'd rather pretend it didn't exist, which only creates more anxiety because I know it is there, lurking just around the corner. When I allow myself to fully feel my emotions and view them from an external perspective, I am able to better understand and then release my anxiety. Once I am able to acknowledge my emotions, I can begin taking steps to clear them instead of letting them fester, such as yoga, meditation or journaling.
The fears are still there, don't get me wrong. But each time I give them attention they seem be lightened, their weight not quite as heavy on my heart.