An important relationship in my life was ended this month, and it's been challenging my commitment to self-care. One of the best things I've found that I can do for myself is write.
Writing makes my mind slow down long enough to settle into an issue or problem, work through those feelings, and then put them behind me. When I don't write and just think, my mind will hop from one question or feeling to the next without ever really finishing a thought. You need to complete a thought to put it behind you.
As I said when I began this series, writing is a very intuitive process for me. When I journal, everything just spills out. But every once in a while, I'll have a line running through my head over and over that I know has more attached to it; I just need to find it. I'll go searching for the next words to come. Often, they come together to form a rhythm. The rhythm comforts me.
I memorize all my poems as I write them. A line will stick, and I'll just keep repeating the line, testing out different thoughts for what might come next. I'll write things down as I go and sometimes work on a poem for days at a time. Eventually, the entire poem is written. Then I continue saying it in my head, and sometimes out loud, tweaking it until it flows seamlessly. The poems then become reminders for me, and I recite them in moments when I need their comfort.
This was one of those poems that was written over days; a week and a half to be exact.
I finalized it last night and went to analyze it for my May I Muse series this morning, but as I went to write, I found myself lost. I had written the words from a place of emotion, but the feelings behind them hadn't yet been processed.
Now, the more I look at this poem, the more I see the influences of all these external emotions on my current mindset. The more I understand why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling.
One day I'll share the raw pieces of this poem. One day I'll sit down to analyze this piece and the emotions will have been sorted and left behind. Until then, I'm going to let you analyze the piece and feel what emotions it draws up in you. I encourage you to sit with those feelings and understand them, just as I'll be doing.
If we can understand our emotions, we no longer have to be controlled by them.
That moment when
your world crumbles
beneath your feet
When your heart is left
hanging naked in the heat
When the thick tar seeps in
and your mind gives way
When after all is said and done
and there is nothing left
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