I woke this morning to a timid knock on my door. I confusedly beckoned the visitor in, mind slowly pulling itself out of slumber. My roommate announced to me that it was 7:30, and was wondering if I needed to be up - an exquisite courtesy we provide one another when the other's room is too dark too late. I bumpily processed my mistake; I had set my alarms for my Friday classes, which begin at 9:30, instead of my Thursday class, which begins at 7:30. Thankfully, the terror of those two coordinating times was quickly soothed with the memory of my professor pushing the class back to 8:00. Make no mistake, however: those few seconds of terror were very real.
I stickily climbed from my bed to the bathroom, begging my body to move faster in order to be on time. My soul became agitated with my mind's hurry, and I left the house in a frenzy, adrenaline still punishing my absent-mindedness. I arrived in class at 7:59, the professor loudly inquiring the time as I hurriedly sat down. The morning only went down hill from there.
Remember my comment about disorganized professors? Well today, I failed in the tolerance department. My frustration with myself having set bad alarms was manifesting as frustration with others, particularly the professor who couldn't seem to work a computer today. The frustrations only progressed, as I went on to wrestle my heartless computer all three hours of work.
Truth is, it was easier to blame my agitations and negative energy on other things rather than myself. It took me a while, but once I stepped back from my "terrible" day, I realized that I was really putting myself in these energy sucking situations. My rushed morning that didn't allow time to calm my panicked body had left me drowning in my own negativity. To make matters worse, all I could seem to think about was that long to-do list waiting for my on the right corner of my desk.
Although it seems contradictory, sometimes in stressful, time pressure situations what we need most is to just take a minute to pause, recollect our thoughts, and recenter our bodies. To do that, we need to be willing to observe, experience, and then release our negative energy. Busyness plagues our generation, but the ability to acknowledge when your being is in need of a pause is essential to taking care of yourself. It's a skill that takes practice, and it's one I have yet to master.
So, after work, I walked home, feeling and experiencing all the emotions I'd encountered that morning. I made myself a couple of eggs on toast for lunch, carrying them upstairs to enjoy in my bed. I sat in silence, calmly savoring the precious moments I had the privilege of spending with myself and my food. I spent some time laying in my cool sheets, bare legs happily freed from the confinement of jeans, and allowed myself 25 minutes of nothingness, utilizing 17 of them for a recharge nap. When I woke up, I felt refreshed and energized, my negative energy released.
This served as a good lesson and reminder to pause throughout the day to observe myself, mentally recording and tracking my own behavior so that I can better understand who I am.